If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
