And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
