don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
