Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
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