It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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