it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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