Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
