you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
