party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
