it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
3pm strippers are depressing
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
