You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
