I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
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