This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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