you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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