dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
