turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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