he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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