It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
