Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Randomize
