I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Houston, we have a blender
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
