after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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