I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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