I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
