I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Randomize
