STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
