I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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