You made me cry and you don't even care
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
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