I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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