I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
