So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
