i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
