You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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