I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
