I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
