if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
