I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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