sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
