I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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