Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
