I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
there was a trapeze. enough said
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Randomize
