Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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