we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
