The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
