so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Randomize
