also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Randomize
