I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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