My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
i am craving dick and cupcakes
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