We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
