I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
