Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
