I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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