I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
