If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
